My Heart Seeks
a box of wisdom..
a purse of peace..
today, this is what my heart seeks..
those who don’t wish to be with you..let go..
those who you don’t wish to be with.. let go..
today, this is what my heart seeks..
a spoon of love..
a glass of hugs..
today, this is what my heart seeks…
those who forget, childhood bonds.. let go..
those who give importance to new over old let go..
today, this is what my heart seeks..
a tub of ice cream…
and a bar of chocolate to go by…
today, this is what my heart seeks..
maybe i will do with a bottle of water.. and a coffee to go by…
this is what my brain.. tells me..
Well the starting of the month, i had no idea how it will shape up… An impending project work, the busiest week for me in last 5 years or more maybe.. and everything simply fell apart. Fights.. yes.. despair yes… miscommunications hell yes! .. Breaking connections yes.. not finding joy.. yes.. still going on yes… not giving up yes.. showing my face everyday still yes…
An unfortunate incident triggered my son and how!
Everyday I have woken up to his tears, his fears, his insecurities, his constant need to find reassurance anywhere and everywhere. What triggered was the emotion he felt when we lost our Zuzu of 13 years.. happened this month… for him this was all new.. death.. was new… and for me.. i have seen this before.. crying for no reason(this is what an outsider sees)… despairing change, frenting over every little things and simply being helpless…
I had made up my mind that If I am unable to band aid his brain I will seek help… i see change.. i see him getting better now… maybe I will hold the decision.. and all this made my heart bleed… how long people will not understand that when a brain bleeds, it needs a band aid… we keep talking about heart breaks and all… and well the pain one feels is physical… equal to getting actually hurt… and if not treated… well many just give up..
i am trying.. to not give up.. i am trying to show my face everyday.. i am trying to have my self respect and my boundaries… to those i am no longer of use and service… i am trying to gift them my absence.. and to the one who needs me most.. my bleeding heart and my broken brain… im trying to be there for you… hold on…
and it was all within this week… i interned at Asia’s largest book fair.. and it was within this week i saw my three books as a published author at my publisher at the world book fair in New Delhi.. and it was all within this week i met a person who is kindness personified.. and it was within this week.. i fought my fears to maybe interact with someone blamed for a metoo movement.. and it was all within this week… that i kept breaking up… bandaged myself and moved on… every single damn fucking day.
and well the miscommunications stays… the fear stays.. the people who want to go.. remains… the people who don’t like me.. around stays… and well im trying and yes i am trying to keep this all together… and ensure my self respect stays…
travel plans made for next month.. all cancelled… but maybe new ones will be made.. because it is said so… where there is a will… there remains a way.. always.. for in this world of broken promises… nothing is permanent…
