Redemption

For a large part of my childhood, I use to cry every single night asking God to forgive me. For what was I seeking forgiveness from is something I don’t know. In Hindu religion we talk about having many lives. We believe that the body dies but the soul travels from one life time to another. It took me a lot of time, years, to understand that actually there is one life. The one we are living now. There is no other life, because even if there is one, it wont be this one. This life will end, period.

For past many months now I am in extreme anxiety. I am contemplating a lot about my past, my action, my deeds, my experiences and questioning everything I did. All my mistakes play in front of me like a film I am watching. And I at 40 understand none of my actions of why I did what I did.

Why I spoke like that? Why did I go there? Why I allowed someone to come and bullshit in my life? Why did I joined that job? Why I quit? The problem is there are no answers to the Whys I am asking. I don’t have them. No I don’t. I am seeking redemption, forgiveness, and to forget a part of life I have lived. Somehow I want a blank slate, but you don’t get one do you?

Again in the Hindu religion we believe that if you take a dip in the holy water of the flowing Ganga, you will get relief from yours sins from last 100 years of life. That’s a lot! I have tried that, sometime back when I went to Rishikesh. My scientific bent of mind aligned it to the fact that the water is so cold, it makes your mind absolutely numb. For some fractions of second you actually stop thinking.

Does it mean I got my redemption? No. So how will I get it? Should I seek it? Do people seek it? And as I try find answers to these questions my mind is again going back to the series of Whys! wanting to know where and what I did wrong. This is actually a real bad spiral. The only way to come out of it, is to concentrate on that little something I did good. But people like me who have the littliest(i know there is no such word, but why not!) of the self worth, find it hard to focus on!

But I did do a lot of good, or I use to. I am not sure anymore. I use to be a good person, and now I am not so sure. I guess there comes a time in life, and it will come many times when you question everything around you. Every relation, every second of day, every mail, every photo, everything about you and around you.

So where were we, oh yes seeking redemption. I know in this life time I have to get it. Because for god sake I cannot be living another life. I cannot be dying everyday in this life to make my next life better. Because in reality and as per science there is only one life. And knowing this I have around another 60 years more or less left to get my redemption. Until then!